Month: June 2012

A Mother’s Day Tribute – Sort of

My mom passed away when I was 16.  My sister was only 8.  After a long bout with breast cancer in a time when nobody talked about breast cancer, she finally let go, and I believe found her peace.  She was my best friend.  My greatest role-model.  My mama.

I was just a girl.  Over the years, I have had to navigate my way through becoming a woman.  While every book written or kind words from loving family and friends is helpful, nothing can make up for the mom I should have had during the past 25+ years.

I miss her every day, still.  Sometimes I’m not even fully aware of it, but it’s there.  I think maybe, being normal for me has been redefined to being someone with a small, yet not insignificant piece of her heart missing.  We all have our losses, and I realize this is part of what connects us as humans.

Missing, is a sense in itself it would seem.  There are people who have had organs removed and say that at times they can feel that missing organ.  I somehow get what they mean.  I mean, I can actually feel that missing space inside me.  It manifests itself in an anxious, unsettled tension that takes me over, almost as if a little alarm is going off.

It wasn’t until a few years back that I put two-and-two together and realized this missing feeling always coincided with dates related to my mom:  her birthday, the day she died, the day we buried her.

June 30th is one of those days — her birthday.  After so many years of not knowing what to do with the feelings I had, I decided it was time to write a song — a dedication to the beautiful person I loved.  Rather than a sad tribute, I chose to make it a sort of “what would I do if you were here today” celebration of her spirit:  buy her flowers, make her breakfast in bed, taking her shopping, hold her, hug her, let her know how beautiful she is.

I’d buy her a cake, for sure.  Chocolate, of course.

The song — Buying A Cake — lets me do that.  Because I know in my heart that when I sing it, she feels all the love that I have for her.  And it was her lovely spirit that allowed me to write such a beautifully emotive song.

Happy Birthday, to my mama.  This one’s for you.

 

 

So, Where Was I?

Little Girl, Big Guitar on Stage
Little Girl, Big Guitar on Stage

I can’t tell you how excited I am to be playing live at Soho (Santa Barbara) in a couple of weeks.  When I stopped playing a while back, I really only wanted to take a little time off…

At the time, I was playing 4-5 gigs a week, booking out 3-4 months in advance.  Living on the road, for so many years without a real break, well, it wears on you — and that’s not me complaining — it’s just the nature of things.  I needed a break.

Everything in my life was about playing music.  I literally ate, drank, and pee’d it.  I absolutely loved it, but I just needed a vacation from the non-stop, on-the-go lifestyle.  (Again, not a complaint.  I am so grateful for my time on the road.)

Here’s the thing, I loved it so much, it never occurred to me that I could take a break.  Then I thought, “Wow, a week off would be nice.”  (But come on now, I’m sure we’d all agree, a week is never long enough for a vacation.)  Since I was my own boss, I thought, “Hey, why don’t you take a month off?”  So, I made the executive decision, and did.

Then a month turned into two, and two into four, and for reasons that I’m not going to go into here (that’s another story), I just never went back to it.  That vacation helped me realize that as much as I loved what I was doing, I was no longer in love with how I was doing it.  The romance of the road life was gone for me.

And so I stopped.  That was 7 years ago, I think.  Not really the kind of day you mark on your calendar.  What would I call that anyway — “The day I quit pursuing my dream?”  It’s gross even writing it now.

The point is, I never intended to quit.  I just needed to put it all on hold so I could try other things, see what else I could do and be.  Maybe fall in love (for good this time) and have a baby?  Not to mention, get a steady paycheck for a while.  If you’ve ever lived hand-to-mouth depending on your passion to be your livelihood, you know what an unfair and worrisome burden that can be to place on the love of your life.

In any case, 7 years later, I’m ready now.  I’m creating again in new ways I hadn’t imagined I could before.  Seems that break did me some good in exploring the possibilities and expanding my potential.  I’m writing new music, collaborating with new musicians, and even writing love stories (ya, go figure, after all of those break-up songs).

And of course, none of it would feel right without gigging.  I’m doing that too, but the how I’m doing it is going to have to be a little different this time around. I’ve got a family — a little boy at home, a pretty cool husband to go along with him — and I’ve no immediate plans to crawl into a bus and live on the road again (unless that bus is big enough for all of us to live in style, and see the world while we’re off making music for a living).

So, I’m staying close to home, playing selectively, working to bring you the best I have to offer in the best venues, and spending the wee hours of the night working on my novels.  With that said, my first gig home is on Sat., July 14th at Soho in Santa Barbara (6-7:30pm).  I can’t wait, and I am really looking forward to singing for you again, seeing familiar (I didn’t say “old”) faces, and sharing a sweet memory with each other once again.

This gig, I’ll be solo — just like the old days.  And here’s to you…if you have a song you want to hear, make your request now.  I want to know what you want to hear, so hit me with it.  Post your request in the comments below.  Email me at tina@tinasicre.com.  Tweet @tinasicre.  Post on my Facebook wall at www.facebook.com/tinasicre.musician.

The night is ours, and I want to show my appreciation for your support by bringing you a taste of the music we used to share.

As always, thank you for your support and friendship!

All my best,

Tina Sicre